I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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