You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
