I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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