I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
