I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
