whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
