I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
