I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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