Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
