There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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