No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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