They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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