you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
