my phone needs a breathalizer
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
