Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
