I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
