I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
