you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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