I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
