the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
