Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
