Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
