I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
