I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
