I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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