There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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