Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
