I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
