got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you never un-have a 4some
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
