new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
