I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am available for nakedness
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
