i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
