I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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