I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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