the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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