You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
babies were throwing up all over the place
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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