can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
