I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
