Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
