Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
