I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
