i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
