not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
