Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
