I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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