I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
