ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
