Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
