Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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