suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
